It's First Friday (where did February go?), which means a blog post. First Friday is a blog deal my friend and CP Bailey and I decided to do to help motivate us to blog while not forcing us to a strict schedule. It's meant to be fun with a wide range of topics.
Today, we're talking about...
IMPOSTOR SYNDROME.
I'm doing something that goes against every in me, and everything I've had instilled over and over again throughout school--if you're one of my old teachers, you should skip this next part--but I'm using Wiki, because Wiki actually gets this.
According to Wiki, Impostor Syndrome is: "a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved..."
Last year, I was presented with some options on how to proceed with my novel FIERCE.
Ultimately, I decided to self-publish FIERCE, while working toward a traditional publishing path for my YA.
I made my choice because, above all else, I wanted FIERCE to stay the story of a girl who helps herself while not relying on others to fix her. I wanted there to be romance, but the romance not be the end-all. I wanted the story of an unapologetic, fierce, passionate, occasionally angry, sometimes violent heroine to stay just that.
I'm happy with my choice, and still think it was the best answer for FIERCE.
That being said, I still don't feel like an author. And if the subject comes up, and someone asks me "who published your book?", it makes me instantly fall into Impostor Syndrome mode.
I'm being rather brutally honest with you, guys (brutal for me, I suppose, not you). There are days I want to pull the book down, days I question if I should tell someone I'm an author, because am I? And if I do, what happens when they asked who published me? Do I want to see their face when I tell them that I did? Heck, I've been told this book "doesn't count" because I published it. All that work just "doesn't count" because I did it--myself (and with my editor, formatter, and designer obviously)--instead of having a huge team to back me?
The fact is, self-publishing has changed tremendously over the past few years, and even with the wonderful amount of success stories and great self-published books available, it's still stigmatized.
In favor of being real here, I've picked up my fair share of unedited, crappy self-published books that read like someone achieved nanowrimo and then hit publish the very next day. I've also picked up my fair share of horribly edited traditionally published books. The sad part is, those self-published books hurt ALL self-publishers.
Self-publishing isn't easy. Or at least it shouldn't be (publishing in any form shouldn't be easy). It takes work. The kicker: there is no team backing you. That is probably what makes me feel like an impostor most of all. That without the validation of a huge publishing house, I'm just not good enough.
My challenge to myself is to stop believing that.
So, fellow captives of Impostor Syndrome, stop. Just stop. Stop feeling like you aren't worth it, like you aren't deserving of the rewards, like you didn't just do something incredible like write a freaking book and edit it more times than you can count and then turn yourself into a business.
-Okay, that last bit came out weird, but you know what I mean.-
Also, you have guts. Publishing (again, in any form) takes balls/ovaries of steel. So. Much. Steel.
So, say it with me: I am an author. I am an author. I am an author. I have (enter gender-specific gonands) of steel.
Because you are deserving, and publishing a book is incredible, no matter the way you chose to get there.
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